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Heartbroken but not helpless: The single mom

Picture courtesy: TheIndianExpress

It was going great between me and Sam. We were really happy in our small little world. The happiness wanted to greet us more. The universe gifted us with a blessing. Yes, we were pregnant. I remember that cold freezy morning when my water broke and he knocked in. The feeling when I held this lovely boy in my arms is still fresh in my memory. We named him Vidyut. Vidyut is indeed the best part of my life. But life is not always bright with happiness. My baby boy was just 2 months old when Sam decided to part ways. I was scared and furious. My feelings, my love, my affection, my comfort zone, all of it were shattered. I failed to make Sam stay. He left.

Even if I try to forget the day Sam left us, I can’t. That corner of my terrace still haunts me. Have you ever felt like broken glasses are running into your veins instead of blood? Making every inch of skin pierced? I felt that when Sam left us behind. It was so heavy, right in my chest that I wasn’t even able to cry. Days passed and I was just wishing for a miracle to happen. I wanted a motivation to live the remaining time of my life. A thousand things crossed my mind but what stayed was, “ I have to be a single parent now”. I can’t afford to feel low and lose myself. Knowing that parenting comes with lots of responsibilities, challenges and happiness, I geared up.

Single parenting offers you so many challenges. Sometimes you feel like giving up on everything and running away but you have to keep moving. My pieces are too heavy to carry home so I will bring those one by one:

1. Being alone: Marriage is about companionship and when your partner leaves, they make a void in your heart, an emptiness which is hard to overcome. Honestly, there are times when I feel really low because of a lot of responsibilities. I can’t find a shoulder to lean on. A lap to sleep for a while, a person to talk my heart out and someone who can take a few of my responsibilities while I am tired and low. You know that you have to take care of your child but sadly there is no one who can do the same for you. But I keep reminding myself that I am home nestled with love and affection. Not every flower blooms in April, relax and take your time.

Picture Credits: India Today

2. Financial pressure: Income, Child support, debt, savings, Insurances, Taxes, meals, vacation, arghhhhhh. This is driving me crazy. I have to take care of all my expenses and have to constantly keep a close check on what he needs. Last month, I bought Vidyut a play station, because he really wanted to have one so that he won’t get bored while I am away for work. My monthly budget spiked up. It went hard for me to adjust the expenses for the next month. And of course the medical emergencies are unexpected. There is seriously a lot!

Picture Credits: Bestlife

3. Running out of time: To earn the bread, butter and education for Vidyut, I work 9 hours a day along with the household chores, making sure Vidyut gets whatever he needs. From taking care of his assignments to my presentations, from his lunch box to my protein shake, I have to be all around the place. I feel like stopping the watch for a while and taking a power nap so that the next time I wake up, I won’t feel that constant fear of being careless or forgetting something. By the way, this reminds me that I have to take Vidyut out, the next Saturday, for bowling. He loves bowling.

Picture Credits: Fandango

4. Social quarantine: Nothing scares me more than people do. I usually have a lot to do, I feel like quitting socializing, having fun and making new friends. Because whenever I stepped out to seek some quality time, I ended up regretting it. People keep buzzing me with stupid questions like, why aren’t you seeing someone? Till when will you remain like this? Don’t you feel Vidyut needs a father? Aren’t you so young to live alone? There are a lot more questions that mess up with my mind. Among a lot of pressure, the pressure of re-marrying again is the favorite that society usually puts on a single parent. Honestly, neither I have any time left nor do I have the energy to put on a partner now. The best thing to do here is to isolate as much as possible. I feel like my silence is too loud that the world has only ears for the chaos.

Picture Credit: Refinery29

5. Low confidence: Sometimes when I see Vidyut’s friends playing with their dad, I feel like I am being unfair to him. I was unable to keep up with Sam. And because of those issues, Vidyut is lacking the love he should receive from his father. I feel like he can’t watch superman with his dad, he can’t go to the playground for a football match .There is so much broken inside me, I feel like there is something which I am unable to fulfill and that something is still hidden. But honestly, I am trying, trying to serve as a dad. Trying to boss up together with Vidyut and I can’t afford to fail.

Picture credit : BeyondpinkWorld

Being a single parent is twice the work, twice the stress and twice the tears but, it has twice the hugs, twice the love and twice the pride. Society has standardized that parenting works on two wheels which have their own unique functionalities and features. Being a single parent is not a choice, it is fate. The best part is, even after facing the above challenges, I am sure I will raise Vidyut right. I often get quoted as Single mom and the best part is, I don’t feel sad now. I feel tough, powerful and proud. I am a power package and ain’t scared of the challenges. I know I will do it. And so will you.

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